This may annoy certain Pulsarians, who I don't even think read this blog.

Transformers: The Movie is the worst cartoon I have ever had to force myself to sit through.

It sucks.

It blows.

It chews donkey bollocks.

It is, in short, a heap of shit.

There were mutterings at the back (raise your hand Jason) about "Watch this, fatality number three," as if that were an important thing. I think the fact that this was a blatant 1980s marketing move to introduce a new range of Transformers action figures seemed to have passed him by. (Tick off 'Kill Off Out-Of-Production Toys' on the toy company's board room checklist.)

Look, Megatron is rebuilt as... GALVATRON!!! Tremble and beg for mercy as we give you the same bad guy with flashier armour! (Tick off 'Introduce New Line Of Toys'.)

Shots verging on the pornographic (in the traditional sense of the word - i.e. flashy images without art, worth or meaning) whenever they transformed, an advertising ploy later picked up by Pokemon and the imitations thereof. (Tick off 'Product Placement'.)

Let's put in a punchable little kiddy who, get this, got to fight alongside the 'adults' (is it just me, or are most Transformers pathetically juvenile in their mindsets?) wearing, wow, an exo-skeleton suit. (Tick off 'Immature Wish Fulfilment'.)

Let's have lots of lasers. Even lasers that arc through the air in a really crappy (and physics-defying-except-near-a-black-hole) tracer fire effect. Let's add a few more lasers. And a couple more. In fact, how about a constant volley of laser fire and jet engine contrails. Oh god, this'll give pre-pubescent kids hard-ons... in a metaphorical sense, of course, ahem... (Tick off 'Lasers'.)

Let's not bother making this a thought-provoking film, with a coherent plot, or even a story to speak of. After all, the kids'll just be watching it for Optimus Prime (won't they get a shock when they realise we've discontinued his figure...). In fact, let's just make this one long action scene, with no rest at all. Oh yes, I don't know about the kids, but I've got a hard on, says the executive in charge of sales and marketing... (Tick off 'Mind-numbing lack of intelligence, plot or believeability.)

Let's make it as derivative as possible. Look, we have a Star Wars-esque scrolling back-story. Yes, and the main baddy looks a bit like the Death Star. And make the back-story about a long, galaxy-spanning civil war. That ratchets up the tension a bit. (Tick off 'Rip Off A Popular Film To Make Ours Look Good'.)

Let's get girls into Transformers, expand the market a bit. Add a bit of romance, and a female Transformer (obviously, this is the corporate 80s, homos are evil AIDS carriers - not quite what we want our kids to grow up into). Yes, this female transformer can be wrong whenever she opens her mouth, except for when she's being the conscience of the group. She can be incredibly shapely (for a robot) where all the blokey Transformers are rectangular. Give her lipstick as well. Oh, and tell you what, let's paint her pink. It's a nice contrast to the reds, yellows and blues of the other Autobots. (Tick off 'Stupidly Shortsightedly Sexist Attempt To Make Product Appeal To Both Sexes'.)


I take my hat off to the Pulsarians who didn't turn up tonight, or left after Red Dwarf. I wish I'd done the same.

How Republican Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Not bad. I'm Aaron Sorkin, apparently.

Dammit, the world would be a so much better place with Jed Bartlett as president.


And then, just for the hell of it, I put in the most right-wing, money-grabbing answers I could think of:


How Republican Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


And then the most liberal ones I could think of:


How Republican Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

The human shields are off to Iraq.

Morons. Fair enough to protest against a war, but to let yourself get blown to pieces for it (which is effectively what these guys are doing) is nothing short of insanity.

Any other US government might have a problem with blowing up American civilians who were in an enemy country, but not this lot. In fact, I suspect they'll be charged with treason for aiding the enemy in times of war, if they do get in the way and somehow survive. There's no way Bush is going to hold back his penises... I mean, missiles... just because a bunch of 'wacko pinko liberals' offer themselves up as sacrifices.

"You're either with us, or against us."

A mindset that believes that to be the case won't have any qualms about blowing up 'traitors' and 'allies' of Saddam Hussein, will it?

Hopefully, when a couple of dozen American civilians do get blown up, it's the first step on the slippery slope out of the Oval Office for the Moron-In-Chief.

You're a Romantic Hero. Your instinct is to
help those you care about, and usually that's a
good thing! Sometimes, though, you might find
yourself being a little posessive or
overprotective.


What Sort of Romantic Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm...

All I need now is a significant other.