Turns out one of my friends, Emilie, has looked at this page. She was nice and supportive about the loneliness pang I had a few days ago.

I forgot to mention to her that the reason I had the loneliness pang in the first place was because I'd been looking through all my old MSN Messenger conversations and I found my earliest conversations with her. This was just before the two of us started a short but memorable (for me at least) relationship.

One of the few periods in my life when I've actually been happy. Okay, so it didn't last long, and I felt more for her than she did for me, but it was great while it lasted. The best thing is, we're still very good friends. Thanks, Em. :-)

That's what got me feeling lonely. Not Emilie in particular, but just that feeling of closeness that we shared. I've got lots of friends who mean just as much to me as Emilie does today, but... It's hard to explain, but I'm sure you know what I mean. When you're spending so much time with someone, sharing all those little confidences that you wouldn't normally share with anyone, it's... damn this language...

Sod it, most people have been in that kind of place, they'll know what I mean. I don't mean love, if that's what you're thinking. It's closeness, fondness, caring, without the intensity of love. Somewhere beyond just normal friendship, yet not quite as far as actually being in love. Basically, it's what anyone who's been in a relationship that was good on an emotional level, yet wasn't love-oriented, feels.

Christ, if Emilie's reading this now, I've probably terrified her. Sorry, Em, I'm thinking aloud, trying to articulate feelings in a language that wasn't designed for it and has been too corrupted by overuse to successfully convey emotion without it sounding cliched or fake.


On a lighter note, my parents posted me my disk back, so I now possess the half-written Imperium RPG and my Hogshead proposal, ready to be rewritten for whoever next gets the rights to WFRP. I'm wondering about releasing one or both of them to members of LURPS (Lancaster University RolePlaying Society) for feedback, use and beta-testing, as appropriate.

On the downside, today I also received the hardcopy of the Hogshead proposal, sent back by Hogshead when they closed up shop. The worst thing was, they included a cover sheet, saying:

"I am afraid that we will not be able to commission or publish your book. This is not because we didn't like it - the proposals we don't like get rejected immediately - but rather because Hogshead Publishing has terminated its licence to publish Warhammer FRP, and is leaving the hobby-games business. This decision has been in the works for more than a year, which is one of the reasons we've sat on your submission for so long.

Therefore we are returning your proposal. If another company acquires the rights to the game, I wish you the best of luck in placing your ideas with them."

I can take rejection. It's just a bit galling that this proposal might actually have gotten somewhere, and now I'm relying entirely on Games Workshop keeping WFRP alive, in order to make this book a reality. >:-(

On the bright side, my parents enclosed a cheque for £50 with the disk. Seems like I won't have to start sucking pebbles for nutrients. I can now afford to buy food.